Asexual – A term used to describe someone who does not experience sexual attraction toward individuals of any gender. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, and is different from celibacy, in that celibacy is the choice to refrain from engaging in sexual behaviors and does not comment on one’s sexual attractions. An asexual individual may choose to engage in sexual behaviors for various reasons even while not experiencing sexual attraction. Asexuality is an identity and sexual orientation; it is not a medical condition. Sexual attraction is not necessary for a person to be healthy.
- Gray-A, gray-asexual, gray-sexual are terms used to describe individuals who feel as though their sexuality falls somewhere on the spectrum of sexuality between asexuality and sexuality.
- Demisexual individuals are those who do not experience primary sexual attraction but may experience secondary sexual attraction after a close emotional connection has already formed.
Attraction – There are many different types of attraction, including:
- Sexual attraction: attraction that makes people desire sexual contact or shows sexual interest in another person(s).
- Romantic attraction: attraction that makes people desire romantic contact or interaction with another person or persons.
- Aesthetic attraction: occurs when someone appreciates the appearance or beauty of another person(s), disconnected from sexual or romantic attraction.
- Sensual attraction: the desire to interact with others in a tactile, non-sexual way, such as through hugging or cuddling.
- Emotional attraction: the desire to get to know someone, often as a result of their personality instead of their physicality. This type of attraction is present in most relationships from platonic friendships to romantic and sexual relationships.
- Intellectual attraction: the desire to engage with another in an intellectual manner, such as engaging in conversation with them, “picking their brain,” and it has more to do with what or how a person thinks instead of the person themselves.
Romantic Orientation – Describes an individual’s pattern of romantic attraction based on a person’s gender(s) regardless of one’s sexual orientation. For individuals who experience sexual attraction, their sexual orientation and romantic orientation are often in alignment (i.e. they experience sexual attraction toward individuals of the same gender(s) as the individuals they are interested in forming romantic relationships with).
Examples of Romantic Orientations (not an exhaustive list):
- Aromantic: individuals who do not experience romantic attraction toward individuals of any gender(s)
- Biromantic: romantic attraction toward males and females
- Heteroromantic: romantic attraction toward person(s) of a different gender
- Homoromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of the same gender
- Panromantic: romantic attraction towards persons of every gender(s)
- Polyromantic: romantic attraction toward multiple, but not all genders
- Gray-romantic: individuals who do not often experience romantic attraction
- Demiromantic: an individual who does not experience romantic attraction until after a close emotional bond has been formed. People who refer to themselves as demiromantic may choose to further specify the gender(s) of those they are attracted to (e.g. demi-homoromantic).
In understanding identities and attractions, it is important to remember that orientation and attraction do not necessarily define or predict behavior. This is another important reason why it is important to ask people how they identify, as you cannot assume you know someone’s identity based on their behavior. This also means that you cannot assume what types of relationships or behaviors a person will engage in simply by knowing how they identify.
Sexual identities and romantic orientations are not linked and therefore a person could be asexual, aromantic, neither, or both asexual and aromantic.
Many aromantic individuals may still desire relationships and experiences various types of attractions to others.
- One of these types of relationships is referred to as queerplatonic relationships (QPRs). Queerplatonic Relationships (QPRs) are those relationships that are not romantic in nature but they involve very close emotional connections that are often deeper or more intense than what is traditionally considered a friendship. Since there is not adequate language to describe queerplatonic partners, some people refer to these partners as zucchini.
- Squish is a term used to identify aromantic crushes; the desire for a non-romantic/platonic relationship with another person.
What is attraction?
Attraction describes interest, desire, or affinity that’s emotional, romantic, sexual, physical, or aesthetic in nature.
Many people mislabel attraction as purely romantic. But many feelings qualify as attraction, from taking an interest in someone to admiring someone’s appearance to experiencing sexual feelings.
Attraction is a key part of how you connect to other people and build your support network, whatever form it takes.
Why does it matter?
Attraction can take many forms and it’s possible to experience more than one type simultaneously.
Learning about the nuanced and multifaceted nature of attraction helps us gain insight into our own feelings, as well as the boundaries we need to set to ensure those feelings are respected and understood.
Check out the following breakdown of the different types of attraction. We also explain different terms that show the subtle differences between varying types of attraction.
Emotional attraction
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This type of attraction isn’t necessarily physical in nature and is rooted in a desire for connection because of someone’s heart, mind, or personality.
Alterous
This describes the desire for a type of emotional relationship and emotional closeness that the terms “platonic” or “romantic” don’t feel like they accurately characterize.
It can also convey discomfort or de-identification with the word “romantic” as a primary descriptor or focal point for different types of attraction.
Attachment
Attachment refers to a type of bond or connection that’s often necessary or present in committed or long-term relationships of any kind.
Attachment can be a factor in relationships with:
- friends
- children
- parents
- caregivers
- family members
- loved ones
Intellectual
This type of attraction isn’t necessarily physical in nature and is rooted in a desire for connection due to someone’s intelligence.
Love
This is a deep or passionate feeling of connection or affection that often involves an element of emotional attachment.
The meaning of love and things associated with love can vary from person to person, relationship to relationship, and across cultures.
Passion
This describes feelings of deep desire, intense emotion, or strong enthusiasm.
Platonic
This is the nonsexual or nonromantic desire to be in a relationship with someone. Friendships, for example, are often platonic.
Protective
This describes attraction toward those who require caretaking, such as a child, pet, or loved one.
Social
This describes those who are generally well-liked by the majority. A person who’s socially attractive is typically also someone many people want to be around.
Squish
The desire for a strong, nonromantic relationship that often includes elements of emotional depth or intimacy.
It’s considered the nonromantic version of a crush.
Zucchini
Also known as a queerplatonic partner, zucchinis are people engaged in queerplatonic relationships.
Romantic attraction
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This can describe a deep emotional interest or connection that isn’t purely physical or sexual in nature.
Alloromantic
This describes people who experience romantic attraction.
Amatonormativity
A social force that presumes romantic relationships are more ideal or “the norm” for everyone, subsequently viewing this type of relationship as more valid than or superior to others.
Aromantic
Also known as “aro,” this identifier describes the spectrum of people who experience little to no romantic attraction or desire for a romantic relationship.
Autoromantic
This describes those who experience romantic attraction to oneself.
Biromantic
This describes the experience of being romantically attracted to people of two or more genders.
It doesn’t indicate the specific genders someone is romantically attracted to, but the fact that the individual is romantically attracted to people of more than one gender.
Crush
The object of someone’s romantic attraction or the desire for a romantic relationship with someone.
Demiromantic
On the aromantic spectrum, demiromantic describes those who only experience romantic attraction after developing an emotional connection.
Grayromantic
On the aromantic spectrum, grayromantic describes someone who rarely experiences romantic attraction, or only experiences romantic attraction under particular circumstances.
Heteroromantic
This describes those who are romantically attracted to members of the “opposite” sex or gender.
Homoromantic
This describes those who feel romantic attraction to members of the same sex or gender.
Panromantic
This describes someone who’s capable of experiencing romantic attraction to people of all gender identities.
Generally speaking, gender and sex don’t play a major role in governing romantic attraction for those who are panromantic.
Polyromantic
This describes someone who experiences romantic attraction towards people of many, but not necessarily all, gender identities.
Sexual attraction
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This attraction takes the form of the desire for intimately physical or sexual contact with someone.
Lust
This describes intense feelings of passion, desire, affection, or attraction toward someone.
Objective sexual
This type of attraction occurs when the majority of people consider someone sexually attractive, even if you personally don’t experience sexual attraction toward them.
Subjective sexual
This describes sexual feelings or the desire for sexual contact based on personal feelings and individual experiences that aren’t necessarily shared by the majority.
Subjective sexual attraction is often viewed as sexual chemistry that exists in a given relationship, connection, or interaction.
Physical attraction
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This describes the desire for touch or to receive touch — not necessarily in a romantic or sexual way. For example, this can include hugging or kissing a family member or petting a dog.
Intimacy
This term describes physical, sexual, romantic, or emotional closeness between people in personal relationships of any kind.
Objective physical
This type of attraction occurs when the majority of people consider someone physically attractive, even if you personally don’t feel attraction around their physical appearance.
Subjective physical
This type of physical desire or admiration involves personal feelings and individual experiences that aren’t the most people don’t necessarily share.
Subjective physical attraction is often observable as physical chemistry that exists in a given relationship, connection, or interaction.
Sensual
Very similar to physical attraction, sensual attraction describes a desire to touch or receive touch that isn’t necessarily sexual in nature.
Aesthetic attraction
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Aesthetic attraction refers to the ability to admire someone’s appearance without the need or desire to have physical, sexual, or romantic contact with them.
You might find that elements of aesthetic attraction cross over into other types. For example, you may think the way a person dresses makes you feel romantic or sexual attraction, while you also find them aesthetically attractive.
Some people describe the distinction between aesthetic attraction and other types as a feeling similar to the experience of observing a beautiful painting or lush scenery.
The bottom line
Many people have had the experience of feeling fond of someone but having a hard time identifying the exact emotion. For example, they may wonder, “Am I attracted to them physically? Do I admire their personality or intelligence? Do I have the desire to be romantic or sexual with them?”
Attraction can be confusing and takes time to understand. Just remember: There’s no right way to experience attraction and one form isn’t better or more valid than another.
Expanding your understanding of attraction beyond romantic and sexual boundaries can help you navigate the various feelings that inform your interests, desires, boundaries, and relationships.
Mere Abrams is a researcher, writer, educator, consultant, and licensed clinical social worker who reaches a worldwide audience through public speaking, publications, social media (@meretheir), and gender therapy and support services practice onlinegendercare.com. Mere uses their personal experience and diverse professional background to support individuals exploring gender and help institutions, organizations, and businesses to increase gender literacy and identify opportunities to demonstrate gender inclusion in products, services, programs, projects, and content.
