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Do you want to have sex with your therapist? It’s not a question that’s asked out loud very often. Though it seems taboo to talk about, having sexual and romantic feelings toward your therapist is actually something many people experience. Though a therapist should never have sex with you, having romantic feelings isn’t weird or unusual at all. Therapists learn about this possibility while they’re in training, and there’s even a term to describe it: erotic transference.
“Erotic transference often happens,” Andrea Celenza, Ph.D., an expert in sexual boundary violations, told The Mighty. “[Erotic transference] is when the patient begins to develop or does develop romantic and sexual feelings for the therapist.”
Is It Normal to Want to Have Sex With a Therapist?
If you’ve felt attracted to your therapist or even wanted to have sex with them, it’s a normal part of the therapy process for some people. It may show up in a number of ways, like feeling sexual desire, thinking romantically about your therapist in or out of session, craving physical contact, or wondering if your therapist would want to be with you.
There’s no shame in having these thoughts or feelings. Though it can also feel confusing, it makes sense if you’re experiencing romantic feelings toward your therapist. Sometimes you may be attracted to a therapist of a different gender than you’re typically attracted to. For many people, sexual attraction stems from feeling deeply seen by their therapist.
“You can open up to the therapist more, perhaps more than you’ve opened up to anybody,” Celenza said. “You find at every turn more and more understanding, and so that is what is seductive, that is what makes you fall in love with the therapist. It’s really about understanding and the capacity to be seen.”
Should I Tell My Therapist I’m Having Sexual Thoughts?
Your impulse may be to hide romantic or sexual feelings toward your therapist. However, you can and should disclose these thoughts and feelings. Therapists know this happens sometimes, and good therapists are trained to respond with compassion while maintaining appropriate boundaries. Sexual attraction may be a sign you’re making progress in therapy.
“The client should tell the therapist because it is a very positive development,” Celenza said of clients who experience these feelings. “It is the emergence of their desire and that is something to examine.”
It’s also normal if the attraction feels painful. It can signal you’re missing intimate connection in your other relationships and may bring up feelings of fear, disappointment, expectations of being let down and anger, among others. A sexual, romantic or even friend relationship with your therapist should never happen. Even when you know this, it can feel rejecting when your therapist says no.
“It’s a long process of disappointment, actually,” Celenza said. “[Therapists] have to very gradually keep saying no to the action, but saying yes to the feelings and to the understanding.”
Should I Have Sex With My Therapist?
Under no circumstances should your therapist have sex with you — ever. Therapists can have sexual feelings toward clients too, but those thoughts or feelings should never be acted on. Having sex with a client is a major boundary violation, deeply unethical and, in some cases, illegal. “There should not be any sex in therapy,” Celenza emphasized.
Even if you think an intimate relationship with your therapist would feel good, it will only do harm. Just like a relationship between a student and teacher, a relationship with your therapist has an inherent power imbalance. “The power that the therapist has is tremendous because you know so much about the client and the client doesn’t know anything about the therapist,” Celenza said.
Unfortunately, unethical therapists do exist, and they may try to act on sexual feelings, either yours or theirs. Experts believe about 9-12% of therapists violate a sexual boundary with their clients. If your therapist does initiate a romantic or sexual relationship with you, you can report the therapist to your state’s licensing board. Seek out loved ones or even another therapist who can help you with next steps and provide support.
Keep in mind your therapist is 100% responsible for maintaining an appropriate relationship, which should never include sex. Your therapist also should not cross this boundary after you have ended the therapeutic relationship. The power imbalance doesn’t disappear when the therapy stops.
The Takeaway
It’s normal to have sexual thoughts and feelings about your therapist as part of your treatment process. When you talk about these feelings openly with an ethical therapist, they can help you understand what’s happening and help you move forward. And when it’s painful to know you can’t ever act on your romantic feelings, you’ll probably find in the end that what you’re looking for isn’t your therapist.
“In the end, patients… don’t really want the therapist because the therapist is someone they don’t even know. They want their fantasy of the therapist,” Celenza said. “That’s what they have to figure out and examine. That’s what the therapy gives them the opportunity to do.”
You share your most intimate secrets with your therapist, who may sometimes be your closest confidant. But what are you supposed to do when one of these secrets has to do with said therapist and your unrelenting admiration for him or her?
What you don’t need to do is quit seeing your therapist or bury your face in your hands during your sessions. Experts say experiencing some kind of attraction toward your counselor is not atypical — and chances are, your therapist has dealt with something similar before.
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Recognizing your feelings and working through them with your therapist may actually help you grow. So before you let yourself become overwhelmed with shame or embarrassment for what you’re going through, take a deep breath and read on for some advice on what to do next.
Know that your feelings are normal.
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Sure, it can be awkward to realize you’re feeling some kind of way toward your mental health professional, but it’s important you know that the experience is pretty common. “I hear about it often in therapy circles,” Andrea Bonior, a clinical psychologist in the Washington area, told HuffPost. “It’s a topic that therapists do talk about and seem to deal with with some frequency.”
Sean Grover, a psychoanalyst in New York, added that your romantic or tingly feelings for your therapist could be a standard case of something called transference.
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“Transference is a psychoanalytic term that basically means you’re transferring feelings from one relationship to another,” Grover said. “These are generally early experiences you project on other people, and they’re often at the root of why people repeat certain patterns [in relationships] and get caught in some kind of dynamic.”
Try to understand why you might be feeling this way.
While you’ll hopefully be able to work this out with the guidance of your therapist, it might be helpful to internally try to understand why you’re having feelings for your doctor. Therapy is “a personal relationship that feels very positive and nurturing,” Bonior said, so “it’s not uncommon for these feelings to develop — even if it’s not a sexual attraction, these feelings of admiration and gratitude might form into a platonic crush.”
“It’s quite natural to develop feelings for someone who provides care for you.”
– Andrea Bonior, clinical psychologist
If your therapist is doing their job, then they’re providing you with a space in which you’re comfortable being vulnerable — maybe that’s a circumstance you associate with feeling loved. And, Bonior said, if you’re feeling alone or insecure, “It’s quite natural to develop feelings for someone who provides care for you.” Therapists may often be a stand-in for other people in your life with whom you didn’t have the relationship you craved, whether that’s a parent figure or otherwise.
Know that these feelings can actually contribute to your healing process.
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Grover said that, depending on the training of the therapist, they might use their patient’s emotional experiences as a path for healing when it comes to other areas of your life.
“Let’s say someone felt unloved or unaccepted by their parents — and here comes a therapist later in life who delivers the goods,” Grover said. “[The therapist] mourns when [patients] lose and celebrates when they win … really an ideal parent.”
In this scenario, the patient may use the support of their therapist to help fill the unmet needs in their life.
A feeling may also be illuminating, Bonoir said. You may realize that you fall for someone when they show care for you, perhaps because you’re not used to being cared for. Recognizing this pattern can lead to immense growth.
Every individual will have their own personal history that could help explain the crush that has developed, but starting to think about what needs your therapist is fulfilling may provide insight into why you’re feeling what you’re feeling.
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“We want to encourage the freedom of self-expression without fear of consequences,” Grover said. “When there’s no danger of anything happening as a result, [the patient can] become much more liberated and accepting of their feelings. They may be [more prepared] to develop intimate relationships without stumbling into old habits.”
Know that it’s just a feeling.
This is not meant to belittle your feelings — emotions can be strong and overwhelming ― but the whole point of therapy is to take better control over them or learn how to appropriately deal with them. “There are no positive or negative feelings,” Grover said. “They’re just feelings. How you manage them ultimately decides their value.”
Many types of therapy would welcome you to share these kinds of feelings. If you do decide to share this particular feeling with your therapist, know that it’s all part of the process.
Recognize that these feelings will not move toward any kind of romantic relationship.
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It’s important to realize that your therapist will not reciprocate your feelings, Bonoir stressed, as doing so “would be completely verboten.”
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“As long as you view these feelings as something that you need to sort out rather than something you’re going to act on, then you’re OK,” she added.
“As long as you view these feelings as something that you need to sort out rather than something than something you’re going to act on, then you’re OK.”
– Bonoir
Your therapist will be able to help you figure out if your feelings are something you can work through, or if they’re getting in the way of your work together.
“The end goal is to do what’s best for you in terms of helping your progress forward,” she said. “If your sexual attraction impedes that progress, it could very well be that you need to see someone else ― and that’s OK.”
If you decide you need to move on to a new mental health professional, don’t feel daunted by the process. There are ways you can find a new therapist without completely starting over or undoing any progress you’ve already made (this guide offers helpful advice). Remember that ultimately you should be making the best choices for your well-being.
